A DAY AT THE OFFICE

Saturday was my birthday. Every session that day felt like a generous gift. Without any exaggeration I can say that the beauty and wonder of the unfolding inner life of my clients was in its own way very much like an Alaskan cruise; dramatic, awe inspiring and completely natural, the organic expression of upwelling primal energies that far exceeds any man made artifact. Yet Saturday was not significantly different from most days at the office.

My first client, Angela, reported that she had experienced an extraordinary and very rewarding weekend with her mother and brother. Throughout her childhood the mother and brother had been aligned against herself and her father, now deceased. Their anger at her had remained steadfast through the years and contributed significantly to her continued pain of abandonment with its attendant fears and diminished self esteem. Through her internal work she had steadily grown in awareness of her genuine value and the importance of claiming and defending it. She had also been shown clearly for the first time the exact nature of her family pathology, accepted it, and grieved the loss of what should have been and never was. As her depth guided her through this awakening it was abundantly clear that neither she nor I were the source of the insights or perceptual shifts that lead to such a radically altered perspective.

That weekend, for the first time, she effectively confronted her brother about his inappropriate anger toward her. His wife seconded the confrontation and for the first time the brother apologized. Later that day she and her mother, who is an accomplished vocalist, sang together and they were able to harmonize effortlessly. Another first. She remains realistic about the unlikelihood of genuine intimacy with either mother or brother, but is very grateful for the changes in herself that have opened the door to at least a positive relationship.

Her meditation during this session began with an eager welcome from the Great Mother, Inner Wisdom and an attentive contrasexual aspect. Entering her internal space gave her a warm, rich, loving feeling of being welcomed home. As she walked across the meadow to an ocean beach, the Great Mother told her she had waited long enough and that despite her fear she was now ready. She was told that her fear was no detriment and that it would help her have empathy for her own clients as they approached moments of significant transformation in their own journeys.

At this point she began to cry. In response to her thought, “What do we do next?” the Great Mother smiled and told her, ‘This next one is a big leap!” All then walked into the ocean. The Great Mother urged her to feel the rhythm of the ocean in her body. She then did feel it and was aware that she could trust it. This fundamental rhythm felt completely trustworthy. It was ongoing and would never cease. It was to be from now on her only basis for structure. However she would construct her life in the future, it must harmonize with this basic internal rhythm.

Angela commented that being one with the ocean was a new feeling for her even though, “It is my metaphor for who I am.” The Great Mother then told her not to work so hard thinking and planning. She said, “Just swim with me.” The contrasexual aspect was doing somersaults in the water all around her, inviting her to play.

After a while Angela said she felt a need to stop. She was afraid she might not know what to do next or might even drift off course. Could she be sure she would not get lost as she let go into the ocean? Her answer was clear. The very ocean that she knew represented herself was also the “Allness of God.” She went on to say, “I get to shift a lot of years of believing heaven was somehow on the other side of this life.” The Great Mother added, ‘You are ready now to receive the joys and depth of love you never felt was possible.’’ ‘The fulfillment of my dreams is within this life time.

Angela also noted that the balance of masculine and feminine felt so real with Great Mother swimming on one side and her masculine wisdom figure on the other. The Great Mother added that as they swam through the water there was a point in each stroke in which they would be momentarily off balance. It was necessary in order for there to be movement. It is important for Angela to be fully aware of this. Angela then saw a giant Manta Ray flying under water.

A short time later Angela reflected, “I used to fear there wouldn’t be enough mountains to climb. I love challenge and exploring.” At that the Great Mother showed her the ocean’s expanse and told her she could explore as far and wide as she wished. The Great Mother also assured her that the depth would use her just as she has always longed to encourage others on their own journey.

They then began to swim in the depths of the ocean, but it was different than Angela had expected. She reported, “However far down we go is light and we are made of light. There isn’t that much difference between Great Mother, Wisdom and myself. At times it feels there is a oneness.”

“It is both awesome and like a playful game; extremely challenging, but easy. While there may seem to be no sense of direction, the energy to explore and the sense of what to explore will come from Great Mother and Wisdom. I will have freedom to join all directions. As below; so above.”

To this the Great Mother added, “You will be powerful. There is no denying the power of the ocean. It is time now to let go of naiveté (her inclination to view life through rose colored glasses) and become the warrior goddess I was meant to be. There are people who are counting on me.”

Four angels then partitioned off an area of the water. The sun focused its rays into the center of the partitioned area. Great Mother told her to stand in the light. She hesitated for she knew that every bit of her familiar old stuff (fears, doubts, scripts and roles, etc.) would go if she accepted the invitation. Great Mother asked, “Isn’t this what you have wanted?” Great Mother was firm, but alternately soft and embracing. Promising her, “We will sing,” Great Mother encouraged her to embrace the offer.

Angela accepted and was dressed in incredibly beautiful bridal attire. She said “it reminds me I am his (God’s) bride and I’ve known that.” “It’s not that others aren’t,” Great Mother explained. “Others have not been able to receive it just as you have not.” Angela responded, “I am going to claim my rightful place as beloved, cherished one. I realize it is okay.” Great Mother handed her a beautiful bouquet.

The angels moved back and the space became larger with each step she took. Also with each step she felt an increase of joy, glory, love and confidence. The flow of the ocean reminded her that she need not worry about getting stuck. It felt right to keep on walking. From the center she sensed many smiling faces and other angel like beings. Even though the ocean was boundless she knew that the marking of the space was very important.

Her contrasexual aspect took her arm saying that he would be a stand in for the groom. He kissed her and she felt the bond between love and joy. She then told me, ‘The marriage is between God as love and all I have connected with love to joy in a way I can own it, feel it and be it.”

After she opened her eyes and returned her attention to my office Angela said, “Like Mary kept this and pondered it in her heart, I am to do the same and not share this journey for a good while.”

I too have pondered her journey and appropriated much of it to myself. I knew that I had been in the presence of something holy and quietly offered my own prayer of thanks.

My second client, Jonathan, brought me a birthday gift, a perfect sand dollar he had found on a recent trip. It now has a place of honor beside my lamp. During this trip he had meditated and continued a dialog we had begun with a child part of himself. This part, Johnny, told him it was content with simple things.

Crying, Jonathan said he saw with clarity that his parents just wanted a little boy they could cuddle and play with, but because of his ADHD he was much too agitated and erratic for them to be able to do so.

Jonathan was also assured that when he went to the grove (the place of his wisdom figures) he could ask questions about anything and he would be given answers. One of the child’s great burdens was his intense curiosity, which led to innumerable questions of which the adults quickly grew tired and soon ignored him. The grove is a place of peace and safety with a strong feeling of inclusion. It was offered to him as a healing counterpoint to his life long feelings of exclusion and aloneness.

His Wisdom told him that it was his fear of being free of fear and negative habits that held him back from moving more freely into his own best potential. Jonathan noted that every time he took a new step forward he would fall back into his old patterns of self destructive, compulsive behaviors, shame and fear of reaching out. Although he was clearly aware of the pattern, he had not associated it with fearing the freedom that comes with positive change. After Wisdom pointed it out, it was obvious to him.

He went on to tell me that the inner child, Johnny, had been getting older and was seven or eight now. I affirmed that this was good news and, in others, is a strong indication of continued healing. He said that the brief integration he had experienced with Johnny, the Wisdom figures, and himself during the meditation at our last session was very powerful. It had given both himself and Johnny a perspective on each other and their potential that neither had had before.

He also said that he is having a real struggle making contact with most people, but at least he hasn’t gotten depressed or indulged in compulsive behaviors because of it. In talking to a friend about his internal journey he realized that he was very happy, but something was still missing. He said he feels he is coming into an effulgent spirit, feeling the presence of God and Grace (the name of a very important, deceased spiritual mentor from his early adulthood).

He could feel the emergence of real power within himself and felt great gratitude. With this he also felt a growing acceptance of other people even as he becomes more accepting of himself.

Part of his remaining hesitation was that he didn’t feel that he was being stern enough and, therefore, irresponsible. At times he would almost feel giddy, but then hold back wondering if it was okay to feel this good and so full of love.

His inner world had become very accessible of late. As he put it, “All I need are a few quiet moments and we are there — with the gang inside.”

He concluded the session by firmly stating, ‘This change is inevitable. The Ego will embrace the light. It will be.’

Lucy, my third client, began the session by announcing that yesterday had been momentous. She made a major decision and turned down a chance to become a full time

executive level employee at her company and chose to remain a part time private contractor. The decision cost her a considerable amount of money, job security, and benefits. This decision was a major fork in the road for her.

Several factors contributed to her decision. One of the most important was an outgrowth of our previous session. During the meditative part of that session she had met an angry, obnoxious gargoyle-like figure. After some dialog with the figure and guidance from her wisdom, she realized the gargoyle represented her earthy, passionate, wild side which she had submerged in her well intended efforts to be good and responsible. This wild side would need time and energy in order to be properly expressed. She knew that it would be impossible to claim the wild side and hold down a full time executive position in her company.

I strongly seconded her decision, especially for the way in which it affirmed the importance of the gargoyle over security and status. We then did a meditation.

Upon entering the meadow she noticed it was covered with tiny flowers. They gave the landscape a texture like wool. It made the whole environment feel organic and very alive. Although briefly shown to her in daylight, the meadow soon settled into the purples of dusk. Fairies, almost like lightning bugs, gathered around her. They were curious about her, but their principal task seemed to be to lead her to another place.

She then noted a silver thread stretching from her Solar Plexus through the darkness into the forest ahead of her. As she moved toward the forest an Ankh appeared in front of her. She knew that it was a symbol of healing and that much energy could be sent through it. At this point she found herself at her destination. It felt like a temple: small, quiet and dark. It was filled with the scent of lavender and many, varied herbs.

‘This,” she said, “is where a priestess would be. It is my

place. I am remembering I built this place. It is very beautiful. Extremely intimate. A source of power for who I am.”

In a few moments she added, “I sense the presence of a woman here. Now I can see her face. She seems to be made of light and is quite hazy when I look directly at her. She is a night goddess.”

“In front of me I see a very big silver bowl filled with water. She is in the bowl beckoning me. As I look into it I realize my body cannot follow. It is anchored in the temple. My soul, however, does go with her. It is night time and we are flying. I love to fly. We fly over the trees and then float and watch. The air around me is very moist. Dew is about to fall. I feel what it is like to be the dew as it covers the plants.

‘The goddess is merging with me now. Something about mist comes to mind. It feels very quiet.

“It’s about the Snow White Persona.” (In her previous session Snow White was the immobilized “good self’ who was a polarized counterpart to the earthy, lusty, often not very nice Gargoyle.) “Snow White is quiet right now. She might be unsure of herself. She feels weak and knows that she needs to reconnect with her source of strength. She is saying, ‘If things are going to change I don’t know my role. Who is going to tell me?’

“Snow White is actually a very frightened little girl.

‘The Gargoyle sees her now and feels compassion for

her.”

Lucy then laughed. “It’s the other half of her. I feel a great love for both of them.” Lucy continued to describe the unfolding experience.

‘They are embracing. Snow White is very happy and she feels greatly relieved. They were meant for each other, but split themselves a long time ago. The prince! gargoyle has an amazing depth of compassion and understanding. Clearly they need each other. In their union I feel a tremendous sense of love for the self. It is an ultimate compassion. When the prince accepts her she feels very empowered. Without him she felt lost. She needed him to be there.

“She is growing now like a tree. She is both woman and tree with an incredible trunk that spirals upward. There are big ridges in the bark and the limbs bear a golden fruit. This is the tree of knowledge, but there is nothing forbidden about the fruit.

‘The prince/gargoyle climbs the tree and eats its fruit.

He laughs a lot. He has become a kind of prankster or jokester.”

As Lucy opened her eyes and refocused on the office she added, “I love the symbolism. It is so funny. It was wonderful to experience the masculine and feminine energy being married. I was unaware of how beautiful the masculine can be. Without it I have felt weak.”

As therapist, I felt that anything I might add would only distract from a rich, powerful, abundantly eloquent experience. My only comment to her before the session ended was that she be alert to the presence of this new strength within her and let it flow when she has the chance.

Bonnie, my next client, began the session by reflecting on her father who had just underwent a surprise quintuple heart bypass surgery. She had sat with him for five hours, but only 50 words passed between them. The distance she had felt since childhood was still there. Yet Bonnie was no longer angry. She had worked through her hurt and disappointment and could say without hesitance:

“I really want to be there for my parents. There’s an honoring that is called for here. I respect what they have done and feel respect for them at the core. Just as I get to the point of appreciating and respecting them they are getting old. I have a great sense of gratitude for having gotten here.”

She added,

“My father only saw the model of power. He wanted something else, but didn’t know what it was.”

That “something else” for Bonnie is the inner journey. She quoted a priest whose class on contemplative spirituality has been important to her.

‘The hunger for truth will move us to the vertical path.”

In the meditative part of the session her depth picked up on this theme. “I am being reminded,” she said, “that even the questions I am asking are part of what needs to occur. They are essential to the process of evolving.” She continued, “1 feel a sensation of everything moving in close together. Everything is becoming a part of everything else.”

‘There is a cave in front of me composed of question marks. I see it going down and in.”

Her depth commented, “You ask questions because they take you deeper.”

Bonnie went on, “Meditation helps me move out of the physical world a little bit. I see more and I see it differently. It stirs questions I didn’t have before, deeper questions.”

“My questions are what I’ve had for a long time. I wonder if they will help me learn something I need or produce an unexpected good.”

As she moved out of her meditative reverie I shared with her how I was impacted by her experience.

As I see it, the journey isn’t from point “A” to point “B” as outlined by any one authority. Enlightenment blossoms when I learn to simply be with what is without intellectual rigidities or assumptions. Questions without end or ultimate answers open up this process.

Gwen began her session by telling me the results of a personal experiment she had conducted in the preceding weeks. Her primary spiritual practice had been to chant according to the way taught by a particular Buddhist sect to which she belonged. It had begun to feel rigid and demanding. She found herself being motivated more by guilt than a willing embrace of the practice. She, therefore, quit the chanting and spent the time in a peaceful, quiet state. Upon doing this she noticed that something felt missing. Although peaceful, she was not experiencing the joy she had known before.

She then did a visual meditation at home. In it a Golden Child appeared who told Gwen that she needed more structure and routine than the simple quiet time gave her. Afterward Gwen returned to the chanting.

In another home meditation she met the Golden Child again. The child was very delicate, but not fragile. She was almost angelic. Gwen was angry. All of her life it seemed that others were able to abuse their bodies and not have any significant consequences. Whenever she did, either through not getting enough sleep, drinking too much, or forms of inattention to her physical health, her body would react strongly and she would feel miserable. The child simply told her she must honor the sensitivity of her body, implying that it was a gift.

Gwen then noticed the child had no feet. Gwen gave her shoes so that she could walk with her on earth. The child, in turn, gave Gwen silver wings. In the exchange of gifts Gwen knew she was integrating body and Spirit.

After brief additional conversation focusing on ways she was now exercising better physical self care and clearer ownership of her spiritual values, we began a visual meditation. Her first comment was, ‘This is kind of funny.” She then went on to describe a scene totally unlike any she had ever experienced in previous meditations.

“I am dressed in a transparent, gold gown thing with black, soft, suede boots. It’s quite sexy. The steps in front of me are in rich black carpeting with gold tassels. They lead me to a beautiful, gothic dining room. I see crystal and candles and tapestries on the wall.

“Wisdom is sitting at a long table. She tells me that all of this is mine. I have a crown on. At my side is a pet Griffin, half lioness and half eagle. Her fur is like velvet also. Everything is velvety and silky.

‘There is a bowl of beautiful fruit on the table. Beside me is a healer who knows all about herbs and proper care of the body. She has been taking care of me all my life. Although she works in mysterious ways, she is always right. She knows.

“She is telling me to stay close to the earth when I eat. It is very important for me to eat low on the food chain. My body is very delicate. I should emphasize grains, fruits, vegetables, nuts and herbs. I don’t need to worry about coffee, but I must drink no hard liquor. She recommends that I be in the water a lot.”

Wisdom then drew her attention telling her that she too had things she wanted Gwen to see today. Gwen continued:

‘The dining room is in the heart of the house. It’s a big castle that has grand spaces for great gatherings of people.

‘We are now going up into the tower and are on a circular platform. It is a gold and white space with no ceiling or walls. It is a launching pad from which I can fly. As I fly everything gets bigger. The house is beautiful and so is the land it is on.”

She asked Wisdom what this place was for. Wisdom replied, “First, please stop worrying about everything. You will have enough in your life to take care of you.” Gwen acknowledged that a big part of her consciousness was occupied with worrying whether her needs could be met.

Wisdom added, “Share it (your money) and be generous. Don’t stop the flow. You aren’t actually giving and receiving, you are just rearranging energy.” Gwen then remembered a piece of art she had purchased to help support an artist suffering from AIDS. She paid a lot for it, but has found great delight in its beauty. It also spurred her to do creative things with some crystals she had had for some time but had done nothing with.

Wisdom told her, “In your body you have the gift of very free movement. Energy can move through you so very easily.” Gwen answered, “I will take care of my body so that I can serve the energy in a better way.

Wisdom took everything and folded it into a black velvet box. She handed it to Gwen