SURRENDER AND ACCEPTANCE

As I began to prepare for this chapter I felt a need to review my material on delusional disorders. It’s my observation that many of our fundamental cultural assumptions are delusions that greatly limit our ability to deal effectively with life. Since they are so widely held, they don’t fit the psychiatric definition of delusion, but none the less cause an inordinate amount of unnecessary suffering for those whose lives are limited by them.

Allow me to share with you my list of our culture’s dozen most dangerous delusions. In my estimation these are more pernicious than believing in crystals, angels, postmodernism or even creationism.

1. Being number one is really important. Life is like a game and winning is the goal.

2. The past doesn’t matter. What a person doesn’t know can’t hurt him. All we need to do is think positively.

3. The external world is more important and real than internal reality.

4. The more highly evolved you are, the more independent you are. Not needing anybody is the ultimate state of maturity. Being able to go it alone means you are strong. Seeking interdependency and mutual support is a sign of weakness and immaturity. Children are needy. Adults aren’t.

5. A person’s worth is dependent upon his place in the social hierarchy, or his reputation, or how well he follows the moral code, and/or how much he produces or earns.

6. Everybody can or should pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.

7. The world should or must be just and fair. If it isn’t, something is wrong with God, life, myself or all of the above and I have a right to be angry or scared about that.

8. Showing or expressing emotions is weak.

9. Feelings, passions, and appetites are at best a distraction from achieving what is really important in life such as our chosen goals and spiritual ideals.

10. Stuff can make you happy. Even more stuff can make you happier yet.

11. The accomplishment of one’s goals and ideals is what makes a person’s life a success.

12. If I try or work or pray hard enough, I or the world can become what I want or need it to be. If it doesn’t happen, I’ve done something wrong.

There are fundamental underlying assumptions out of which all of these delusions grow. The principal assumption behind these delusions and the American Way is that I am the master of my fate. Only by controlling myself and the world around me do I have a chance at a meaningfiul life. Corollaries of this assumption are:

The ego, the conscious self, is the most important part of the psyche since it is the organizing force within the psyche and that part of ourselves that interacts with external reality. In the external world a person’s main task is to survive and hopefully dominate by competing effectively for goods and status

This egocentric, control oriented approach to life is the generator behind the delusions I’ve listed and consequently most of our personal and social pathologies. From the egocentric position, existence is a struggle for control in which people are pitted against one another and their environment. The part of the mind that reduces experience to conceptual models and then uses these conceptual creations as tools to manipulate the world, the ego, is considered by far the most important part of the mind. The consequence of this is America as we know it today; powerful, technologically proficient, rich and aware that something is very wrong. Civility, compassion, meaningful connection and a sense of willing responsibility for one another and our community at large all seem to be fading. In their place we find growing tolerance for angry, aggressive behaviors and attitudes. People seem more eager than ever to put comfort, wealth, power and external symbols of success ahead of kindness, truth, justice and willingness to sacrifice for values that transcend materialistic self gratification.

This disintegration of our cultural ground is not particularly shocking or even a surprise. It is an entirely predictable consequence of our fundamental egocentric assumptions and the delusions they spawn. Emotionally wounded individuals caught up in these beliefs (and most are) do not get truly well until they realize that the very attempt to control themselves and the world around them will only make their pain worse. They can not start healing until they begin to release control and trust a wiser and more benign psychic dimension than the Ego or conscious mind. The same is true for all of us, individually and as a culture. The dozen delusions are driving us mad even as they steadily make us richer and more powerful. Ego must give up its claim to ultimate authority in favor of a source of values, knowledge and healing that come from a transcendent source. This is not a theoretical assumption, but a fact of life that I see reiterated every day in my clients’ search for healing.

A balanced psyche and a nurturant culture can only arise when the ego’s dnve to control is made secondary to a willingness to accept reality as it is and surrender to the internal experience of a higher wisdom. In my experience, this transcendent aspect is more

effective than any other resource in releasing the ego of its culturally induced delusional madness and opening the door to a loving, connected, joyful life focused in the present moment.

The delusional, egocentric self is, of course, invested in protecting its status. It does so by expressing control in five basic ways: (a) selective avoidance of awareness, (b) rigidity, (c) passivity or aggression, (d) attachments or detachment, (e) and refusal to accept what is and make the required adjustments. All of these are aftempts by the Ego either to minimize painful emotions, or to avoid realities that would confront its assumptions, or to block the expression of elements of the self or culture that it has decided to repress.

The selective avoidance of awareness centers around the theme, “I’d rather not know.” It involves the avoidance of experiences, truths or feelings that would force an individual to acknowledge that the world is not the way he wants it to be or would prefer to believe it

is. The choice to not know, not see or not feel whatever is before one may be necessary for survival, especially in children, and may give considerable comfort in the short term, but eventually its cost is enormous. As such decisions accumulate, the psyche slips into an ever more entrenched fantasy world that steadily robs the person of genuineness, authenticity or vitality. Moreover, even though the decision not to be aware was motivated by a desire for self protection, it actually robs the person of the necessary information to protect himself from real dangers.

My foremost agenda with any new client is to emphasize as strongly as possible the intimate connection between reality, truth and healing. If they are not willing to do all they can to surrender to the truth of their own experience, the possibility of positive transformation is remote, and our time will not be well spent. The usual progression for my clients is from control and delusion to willingness to know the truth, which leads to the inevitable pain and conflict that the truth unleashes, which then leads to the freedom, joy and awareness of beauty that living an aware, authentic life always brings. The unfolding of the client’s reality is usually guided by an inner wisdom which means that the client is in a dual process of surrendering control. On the one hand he surrenders himself to truth and on the other to a higher self which directs and reinforces the search for truth.

A second expression of a controlling Ego is rigidity. It is most clearly seen in those individuals who are emotionally contracted, narrow and marked by a predictable sameness. Typically, they have dissociated major aspects of themselves and permit expression of only a very few of their gifts. Their rigidity is often precipitated by a felt need to avoid risk or by identification with important others as a way of achieving safety and acceptance. There is an unwillingness within them to move with the flow of life internally or externally. The rigid person is attached to either the status quo of to various levels of self definition. He tends to perceive of the universe as composed of isolated, discrete, fixed entities of which he is one. He has no sense of the fundamental oneness of reality nor of its flowing, ever changing character.

Naming oneself is the primary way in which most people fall prey to rigidity. Self -definition is a two edged sword. On the one hand it can be a vehicle for self knowledge. Having a clear and accurate sense of one’s own unique nature helps the person identify his true gifts, enabling him to make the most of his potential. On the other hand if the self definition has an absolute quality or is too literal, it will detach the individual from the flowing, mysterious quality of his center. Additionally, naming oneself is sometimes necessary for the sake of social interaction. However, taking the name or title too seriously or confusing it with one’s True Self is a subtle, seductive, and very destructive form of rigidity.

Once a person has become seriously invested in the status quo, or in some self-definition, the preservation of it becomes very important. The anticipated loss of it strongly motivates the Ego to exercise as much control as possible so as not to lose that which is perceived to be essential to its self.

Another example of rigidity is seen in those people who are commonly celebrated and admired for having strong characters. Their character armor is extremely thick. Such people are absolutely predictable and extremely reliable. They are as solid as a rock and just as inflexible. They are masters of control. It’s easy to see how these people would be enthusiastic supporters of most of the dozen delusions with their emphasis on self control, unawareness, disconnection, externals and accomplishments.

The noncontrolling, surrendered alternative to rigidity is fundamental flexibility. This means accepting without hesitance that one is a mystery beyond any label or definition, and being willing to live out all the facets of that mystery as fully as possible. It not only entails a refusal to label oneself, but finally admitting that one cannot fully know one’s own true nature. Life then becomes an ongoing surprise and gift. When allowed, the authentic self emerges in various unpredictable ways that must simply be trusted. If a person does not accept the existence of an authentic self, the only alternative is to adopt the most useful label, role, pattern, or idea available and identify with it.

Attachment/detachment and passivity/aggression have both already been discussed elsewhere in this book.

The final major aspect of egocentricity is non-acceptance. Non-acceptance is driven by an ego which clings to its idea of what should be instead of embracing what is and working with it to achieve the greatest good possible. Non-acceptance can be motivated by the highest ideals. A well intentioned person may attempt to put into practice what seems to be a very life giving plan of action for all concerned. After it fails, instead of appraising the situation and making necessary adjustments, he simply redoubles his efforts. He strives to impose his intentions on the resistant environment in an escalating battle for control.

A healthy, surrendered ego will strive to live in acceptance. Living in acceptance requires that an ego actually believe that its models and perceived needs may not accord with reality. When I am at my best balance, if what I think I must have, or how the world should be doesn’t work, I embrace that reality as a further gift of truth and try to rejoice in it. Lasting meaning and joy are found only in an intimate connection with that which is. Although immediate reality may appear chaotic, reality seems in the overall scheme of things to express at its depth the same purposeful wisdom that human beings can experience within their own depths.

A person who is surrendered to an inner wisdom or higher self is grounded in a trust that this resource is far wiser than he and will be the most effective protector of his best interests available to him. Out of this sense of trust, delusions are no longer necessary. I can risk letting myself see things as they are. Nor do I need to waste my vital energy trying to force myself or my world to conform to the way I think it should be. Admittedly, this is not an easy option, but it is far easier and more meaningful than the alternative of control, delusion, rigidity and non-acceptance. My experience of deep reality internally and externally is that it is not a static entity that can be defined or controlled. It keeps moving, never allowing us to rest for long, and never granting certitude, because it is itself finally unknowable. The best we can do is dance with it, allowing it to take the lead. It’s a joyful, spontaneous, sometimes ecstatic dance; infinitely more satisfying and real than the goose stepping march of the controllers’ world.