RETURNING TO THE FEMININE GROUND

The therapy session I am discussing in this chapter was our eighth since therapy had begun ten weeks earlier. Typically, a session would be equally divided between verbal sharing and a visualization meditation. Most of the dialog aspect of the therapy would precede the mediation, although there would always be some dialog following the meditation to help explicate its themes and discuss their personal relevance. These were not guided meditations nor was any explicit problem or theme proposed as the focus of the meditation. My part in the process was simply to take him through a relaxation procedure and invite him to focus his attention internally. As the images and awarenesses would begin to flow, he would report his experience and I would occasionally interact with him to help clarify or emphasize different aspects of it.

His principal presenting concern when he entered therapy was a life long pattern of conflicted and sometimes destructive intimate relationships with women. As the therapy evolved he seemed to come into better balance and made a strong internal commitment to reinvest himself in his primary relationship. After this the focus of our work and the meditations moved toward more existential and spiritual concerns. These interests were not couched in traditional religious language, but emerged from the same drive for authenticity and meaning that lies at the core of most spiritual quests. This particular meditation occurred at this point of transition.

The client is an intellectual who is well versed in philosophy, and, in his professional life, high in the hierarchy of a very aggressive organization. He has very well developed analytic and assertive competencies, which have both served him effectively and left him feeling off balance and in pain at the same time. He is a master of what Arthur Deikman, a leading transpersonal theorist, has identified as instrumental consciousness and what Taoism would describe as a Yang and more masculine way of being. His relationship to the other side of consciousness, the open, expansive, empathic and intuitive dimension which Deikman calls receptive consciousness and Taoism describes as Yin and more feminine in style was diminished (Deikman, 1997.)

That this imbalance should precipitate significant problems with intimate relationships is almost self evident. By learning to value and intentionally embrace receptive consciousness he became more aware and empathic in his relationships and made significant changes based upon an increased sense of concern for the well being of those with whom he was involved.

In Deikman’s model and in the general consensus of the Wisdom traditions from which he has drawn, both receptive and instrumental consciousness are necessary and complementary to each other. They are not, however, of equivalent significance. As Deikman points out, “The Instrumental (analytic) mode can raise the Big Questions - “Who am I? What am I? Why am I? - but it cannot hear the answers……To the extent that instrumental consciousness rules experience life can easily seem meaningless. Meaning arises from connection (the domain of receptive consciousness); instrumental consciousness features separation.” (Deikman, 1997) Instrumental consciousness is the vehicle of control and dominance. Receptive consciousness is the path of surrender, bonding and service. It has been the consistent teaching of every aspect of the wisdom tradition that purposeful, controlling intention or action (yang) must be grounded in and directed by a connected, empathic, I-Thou frame of mind (yin.)

Given his philosophical bent, my client was well aware that the themes emerging in his meditations including the ones in the meditation featured in this article were clearly reflective of the perennial philosophy of both eastern and western mystical traditions and as such, “spiritual” in nature. In consequent sessions he had several explicit mystical experiences during his meditations which have greatly affected him.

This particular meditation began with a beacon of turning light suspended in space which then disappeared. Shortly afterwards a sword appeared. It was short, two edged and brightly polished. The cross piece was gold. The sword’s hilt fit his hand perfectly. So well, that the sword felt like an extension of his body. It was as if he and the sword were one. As he held the sword he said he felt solid, confident, strong and well grounded. The blade was very beautiful and very, very sharp, The sword made him impenetrable. With it in hand, his boundaries could not be violated.

Inner light is a relatively universal symbol of immanent divine presence (Underhill, 1942.) As the opening scenario of the meditation it struck me as a way of underscoring the spiritual significance of the unfolding imagery. It was clear to the client that the sword was a symbol of masculine energy at its best. It is precious, partly of gold. Being brightly polished it is very capable of reflecting light; although it is not itself a source of light. This precious, shining masculine energy fit him perfectly. He is very masculine and readily celebrates this part of himself. He is, as he puts it, an Alpha male. Intentionally embracing his masculinity makes him feel potent and real, i.e. confident, strong and well grounded. The sword’s very sharp, two edged blade impresses me as a striking metaphor for a highly developed analytic mind. It cuts to the heart of issues very easily, separates things readily into analytic categories and its two edged nature makes it an ideal tool for approaching both sides of a polarity with discernment. Although this was my interpretation, he said that it felt correct.

A final gift of the sword is that it made him impenetrable. With the sword in hand he is quite capable of stopping anyone who would violate his nature. The sword allows him to be precisely who he is whether others like it or not which is consistent with how he experiences himself.

His attention in the meditation then shifted to a new awareness. Even though the sword remained with him, the main thing he felt was energy flowing through him. In counterpoint to the sword’s capacity to divide and define things, this flow was flexible, open and pulsating. It was something to be received rather than to be purposefully sought after or achieved as would be the case with the sword. As he stayed in the energy, his body began to feel as though it were a flag waving in the breeze, receptive, yielding, and undefended, at one with the flow rather than controlling or analyzing it.

At this point he found himself on the ground. A tree was growing out of his forehead. He could feel the roots going into his cranium, through his brain and body and into the ground. The roots were vibrant and alive. The tree had a deep awareness and stillness about it, yet it was also full of energy. Everything seemed to be centered around this tree. It was conscious of everything and yet totally silent. In its stillness it was the turning point of all the other forces. Then he felt the tree reaching. It was using every ounce of its energy to reach to the sky and to the sun. As it did, it kept getting stronger and stronger and stronger. As he felt this he said, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything as strong as the tree.”

He then continued, “Life surrounding this tree comes and goes. Birds, sunsets and dawns, freezing winters all pass, but the tree remains. The branches reach to the heavens. The roots keep the tree tied to the earth. The roots stretch and pull. The trunk of the tree is so strong.”

When I introduce my clients to visualization meditation one of the first images I suggest that they request from their depth is the “tree of life” which I tell them is a symbol for their authentic self. Sometimes the tree that they see reflects back to them how badly wounded they have been by life. It will be stunted, struck by lightening, or even dead. Usually, however, the tree reflects back to them who they were born to be, a symbol of their basic nature and personal potential. As such it helps to underscore a fundamental premise in most schools of transpersonal psychotherapy: the point of healing and of life itself is not adjustment or comfort, but the emergence of the true self and an authentic life (Kornfield, 1993.) By becoming transparent to the self we were born to be, we become real, whole and grounded in genuine strength.

The tree grew out of his head. The authentic self is first and foremost a matter of consciousness. How aware I am, how committed I am to facing whatever is within me, how willing I am to listen to a deeper wisdom than my own analytic mind, how ready I am to live a life that is open and transparent, all determine whether the tree, my authentic self, will grow and flourish or not.

When I say “yes” to the tree, that is, when I commit myself to the emergence of my True Self several consequences follow. The roots of the tree move beyond my brain, embrace my body and connect to the earth. As I become more real the changes that ensue although begun in the mind affect the body in many ways both obvious and subtle. Enthusiasm for life and physical energy are increased. Eyes sparkle. Health usually improves. Passions intensify. In the words of Hildegard of Bingen, a twelfth-century mystic, one who seriously engaged in becoming real, becomes a “juicy” person.

“Juicy People” are folks who are so filled with wonder and curiosity, with lusty appetites and high spirits, that they embrace life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness with a burly grinning bear hug. To be juicy is to be: a fearlessly joyous optimist, a trouble maker tireless afflicting the comfortable, a passionate lover of good talk and tasty food, and an anonymous prophet hovering over the cosmological riddle, a frequent violator of the ordinance against indecent exposure of the heart, and a guerrilla in the insurrection against Dream Molesters everywhere (Rich Heffern, 1999.)” This earthy vitality is the mark of one who is rooted in all of himself, mind, spirit and body.

This essential or authentic self is not agitated, has nothing to prove, and doesn’t strive for dominance. It simply is and as such could be said to be a point of stillness within the psyche. From this still point, its awareness is undisturbed, penetrating and clear like the view offered in a calm, clear pool of water.

As he said during his meditation, the tree, the authentic self is at the turning point of all the forces within the psyche. It is the point of reference against which all preoccupations, interests, felt needs, and ambitions must be tested in order to see if they will actually enhance life by being in resonance with what is most real within the individual.

He felt within the tree one overwhelming drive, to reach for the sky. Every ounce of its energy is given to this embrace of spirit and light. The more it embraces, the stronger it becomes. The tree or the authentic self is by far the most potent, effective and resilient facet of anyone’s psyche. No other part of ourselves can withstand as much stress or bear as much fruit. It’s strength is constantly growing, because it is forever being renewed by the unlimited energy of light and Spirit.

Amidst all the changes of life, the tree, the true self, remains solid and constant. Even as it reaches to the heavens, it remains rooted in the earth, strong and balanced. When we discussed the tree’s meaning, the client felt that the preceding interpretation matched his experience.

His mediation then shifted perspective. “I am now looking back and down at the tree. The tree and its world are like a droplet in the midst of blackness. The energy of the droplet world is so solid, so substantial, so strong. The energy of the blackness is hard to describe. It envelops the droplet energy. It wraps itself around so lightly that I can’t tell the difference. I now feel it all becoming one. I am nothing but energy. It is so firm and so subtle at the same time. There is no word to describe it. Just “pure.” It is purity. No contrasts. There is no way to define it.”

This is ultimate reality. The energy here is almost overpowering. If I let myself go to it I’d never “be” again.”

Claiming the authentic self inevitably opens consciousness to ultimate reality. The two finally cannot be separated. The insight that Jesus was both human and divine isn’t unique to him. Anyone who is willing to take the risk of becoming as real as possible will find himself reaching to spirit and light spontaneously and becoming lost in its embrace. This embrace is soft, subtle, welcoming. In it there is no distinction. Otherness is erased in a return to original oneness.

This mediation is a striking summary statement of the transformational journey as I have seen it unfold in client after client. For most people, both men and women, it begins as it did in this meditation with a willingness to respect and use intentionally the two edged sword of analytic consciousness and self protective boundary setting. This is the task of the masculine aspect of ourselves. It is necessary for survival. Without it we would be lost to superstition and unable to defend ourselves against those who would presume to impose upon us any agenda other than the emergence of our own authentic self. Useful as it is however, the masculine, even at its best, can only reflect the light. It is like a warrior who valiantly protects what is pure and innocent. It is like a crucible that separates the dross from the gold, but it is not itself gold nor does it create it. It’s strength makes the journey possible, but the journey itself depends upon an entirely different energy.

In the meditation, the sword gave way to a flowing receptivity in which he was undefended, and completely open like a flag waving in the wind. The strong masculine yang of the sword made it safe to relax and let go into a receptive, feminine, yin mode of being. For both men and women, feminine or receptive energy or style is the gateway to the transformative journey. The feminine qualities that make it possible to even begin to claim one’s authentic self have been recognized as fundamentally important in almost every great spiritual tradition. These include valuing relationship and connection over autonomy and control; respect for intuition; a sense of comfort with mystery; openness to listening and times of quiet; a sense of connection to the earth; tender heartedness and a willingness to nurture children, animals, and the weak and needy. In essence the transformative journey demands a willing acceptance of the primacy of love over power and unitive or mystical consciousness as more meaningful and fundamental than the products of reason and technology.

Respecting and actively pursuing this noncontrolling, open, feminine way of being is the only way to make possible the emergence of the authentic self. Those who seek to live only out of the masculine style are continually trying to create or recreate themselves out of some imposed or preconceived model. Because they are not inclined to quietly listen to their own inner life and have little respect for intuitive awareness even if they should have one, they are not in the frame of mind necessary to make a space for something which comes from their own depth and which is beyond their own understanding and control.

Once the juicy nature of the authentic self is experienced and lived, it inevitably points beyond itself to a deeper, more subtle and vastly more powerful reality that is itself the epitome of the feminine. As he described in his meditation, his ultimate destination was within an encompassing darkness that enveloped everything and with which everything became one. It was mystery, purity, the source, the cosmic womb.

To be a bit anthropomorphic about all of this, ultimate reality is a lot closer to being a goddess than a god. Moreover, the way to her temple is in the hands of the priestess. By conforming myself to the feminine, yin way I will be able to give birth to my authentic self and through that, rest in the Source. As in the ancient goddess religions, the masculine principle is always secondary. It is a lover of the goddess, one who lives to serve her agenda.

Although the feminine and masculine constitute one of the principal polarities of the human psyche, they are not equal. Right order will be achieved only when the masculine enthusiastically seeks to dedicate itself to values that are grounded in the feminine.